a sojourn into john's adventures in minnesota

When I was in Whitewater, things were pretty damn good. I had a sick posse, an incredible roommate, and what felt like a general grip on my life and scholarly pursuits.

I guess the grass is always greener.

In Minnesota I have friends too of course, but none of them are freshmen like me. They are cool guys and I'm very close with them, but I guess it's just not the brotherhood that I was a part of in Whitewater. I didn't really get off on the right foot with my roommate here either, and I slept too many nights out of my dorm to ever really feel comfortable there as my home. I never really set up my things, and it's been agitating my mental state all semester.

In addition to being somewhat homeless, this semester has been totally denigrated by the fact that my largest organ appears to think I'm one of those sorts that sheds its husk periodically. My skin this semester has been terrible, I'm covered in red and I constantly leave my genetic material everywhere I go. It makes it so I don't want to go out, I don't want to meet people, I don't want to wear clothes that don't let me hide my neck and my face if I feel threatened, it makes my existence miserable. My lips make it so that it hurts to open my mouth so I don't eat, then I just feel even worse as I mainly subsist on a combination of booze and cigarettes. I spend half of my time in public biting the top of my shirt and cowering down to protect myself.

I have zero semblance of a normal sleep schedule, and in fact today I stayed up until about ten in the morning watching television at my mate's apartment, then I slept on the couch for four hours and began the mental processes that led to this breakdown and self analysis. This type of display is not uncommon.

I have to go to class now, a rare occurrence for this gopher. Ha, and I thought I could properly assess all my problems in under an hour.

my own little world
is what i deserve

saying i'm happy when i'm not

I sat here and tried to write a post sorting out my mental state, but it's too raw for me to admit to myself, much less consider publicly.

I'm terrified of the future. I have enormously difficult responsibilities ahead of me that I know I have to accept and conquer, but although I've identified them intellectually my brain hasn't come to terms with the reality of things yet.

I spent the winter with my nose buried in a book
While trying to restructure my character
Cause it had become vile to it's creator
And through many dreadful nights I lay praying to a saint that nobody has heard of
And waiting for some high times to come again
Dirty old shadow stay away don't play your games with me
I am older now I see the way you operate
If you don't hurt me then you die

i need help