saying i'm happy when i'm not

I sat here and tried to write a post sorting out my mental state, but it's too raw for me to admit to myself, much less consider publicly.

I'm terrified of the future. I have enormously difficult responsibilities ahead of me that I know I have to accept and conquer, but although I've identified them intellectually my brain hasn't come to terms with the reality of things yet.

I spent the winter with my nose buried in a book
While trying to restructure my character
Cause it had become vile to it's creator
And through many dreadful nights I lay praying to a saint that nobody has heard of
And waiting for some high times to come again
Dirty old shadow stay away don't play your games with me
I am older now I see the way you operate
If you don't hurt me then you die

i need help